Today

Today I was reminded that I am generally alone in this thing called "chronic insomnia".  That despite being surrounded by amazing loved ones who would lay their lives down for me, well-meaning acquaintances who think they "get it", or doctors who look at it with a scientific eye, no one will ever understand what it's like to be me.


I spent many hours crying today.

Chronic insomnia is a horribly lonely disorder.  I have always said this.  As a child, it was lonely in a scary way. There is nothing more terrifying to a child with a sleep disorder than bed time- the time when everyone in your giant house is going to nod off and you will be alone, in the silent and dark, for the next 12 hours without the ability to distract yourself because you're a child. As an adult, it's a more sad, deep, loneliness that doesn't only come at night.  The nighttime loneliness still happens- I assure you. The realization as my husband falls asleep that there is only so much art, only so many podcasts, only so much reading I can do.  That there will be hours I lay in bed, in the dark, pretending I may fall asleep but never acheieving it.  That I will feel like the only person awake in a world that is resting.

But there is another, more insidious loneliness.  The one where your family asks "why don't you go to bed earlier?" and your friends ask how you could be tired at 8 pm "if you never really sleep". When your wonderful husband wants to take you flying or hiking or house-searching at 9 am and you don't want to say no, so you try to bargain with the gods for just one, real, night of sleep and when it doesn't come, you are so angry and sad and anxious when you look at the clock and it's 8 am that you want to just run away. Just crawl into a hole and hibernate. I feel I could hibernate for 6 months and never make up for 30 years od insomnia. When you wake up at 2 after falling asleep at 10am and everyone is gone, living their lives, and you are ashamed, alone, and tired. So tired. And so convinced that everyone just thinks you're lazy.  When people think it's funny to joke "You never sleep!" or "You won't be awake for breakfast!" and all it does is break your heart a little bit each time. When you are left out of social events because everyone knows you won't sleep, won't be awake... “When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake.”

Everyone wants to fit in.Chronic insomnia not only isolates me by creating a state of being that no one really understands, it further hurts me by creating a stigma about me that I'm lazy, I'm depressed, I'm crazy.  Maybe I am crazy. Who wouldn't be after not sleeping for this long?

I don't know what my hope is for this blog.  Part of me wants it to be a place people can direct others when they want their families to "understand" insomnia.  Part of me just wants a place to write when I'm awake and lonely. We'll see where it takes me.

Change of pace.

This blog was, years ago, just something to try.

It has now changed.  I am a chronic insomnia sufferer and have been my entire life.  I will be using this as my late night journal.  For now it's for my own therapeutic reasons. If you stumble upon it, great. I'll probably at some point make my loved ones aware of it but for now I just need a place to get it out. A place I can be accountable to get it out, too. Get it off my chest. Not obsess when I should be horizontal.


So here it is: So Not Horizontal- an insomnia blog.

I promise to try harder

So many things are happening in my life that I abandoned my blog after only a few posts. So I shall try again....

What have I been doing whilst I was gone, you ask?

Filling out drunken surveys on Myspace, of course.
Sarah mentioned this debacle on her blog, so I decided that as my way of explaining where I've been, I'd put it here:

But alas, myspace only saves them for 10 days. Sorry kids. I promise to blog here instead of myspace, next time I'm drunk.

Other than that, been without a car, filling out applications, going to interviews, Josh has been going to interviews as well.

KU won the NCAA!! WOO HOO! We're very proud.

Sunday was my father's birthday...
he drove a race car. At a 145 mph.
Poor Josh was sick the entire time
and it was 100 degrees out, so
that part wasn't awesome.
If only we are all this healthy
and child-like in our 60s,
everything will be fine!




As far as life goals go, right now neither of us are able to fulfill any. Josh was laid off and I am unable to go to my temporary job because the car blew a gasket. So we're both on the job search train and it's going no where fast. I have decided,
I think, that my talents lie in elderly care... not
the actual care but the business/human resources
side of it, so I have been trying to get concierge/
assistant type jobs at assisted living communities.




Murph-dog is great. Just as crazy as ever. His new thing is hunting the lizards in the backyard which he stares at, and when they don't move he growls.... then barks.... the finally pounces like a cat. He's never caught one. Poor kid.

sorry!

I haven't written lately because I am completely blank. The reason I am blank is because all I can think about right now is that I'M ENGAGED!

Yep, Josh proposed on Thursday. It was amazing and perfect and I was (and am) completely shocked!

So now begins the planning. Which should be fun and overwhelming but worth it. We only get to do it once, right? (we hope) so it better be good!

Ahhh the hilarity

Read this in a survey filled out by someone tonight:

Q. Do you smoke? A. Not really, Only when I drink

Q. Do you drink? A. Every day

Friday Fill-ins!

Thanks Sarah!


1. Once, I was very very trusting of people. Now I've learned my lesson!
2. Today at work I filed a bunch of mail into a bunch of files. Fun.
3. What is Lost all about? I can't possibly suspend my reality long enough to get into it.
5. If I make a mistake I worry about it for days and days and days. I've been repeating a conversation I had with a stranger in my head for days now. I think I said something rude, but I didn't mean to.
6. When I woke up this morning, I thought "wow, my head hurts much worse than it should in a normal day"
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Josh, walking Murphy, and cleaning. and Sunday, I want to do something fun. Maybe go to March AFB or something. Get out. Get around. Get crazy. (It probably won't happen)

Firing Squad

My friend and I were having a rather random conversation last night when it got into, first, how much money would it take to make you do something gross (I won't go into that!) and second, would you rather do this or that?

The question she asked was: if you were being executed by firing squad, would you rather be killed by bow and arrow or rifle.

Everyone else I've asked has said rifle... it's quicker and more accurate.

However, I think they fail to see this scenario. You walk into the firing squad with a spare arrow stuffed down your pants. When no one is looking, you stick it in your armpit, moan in pain, and fall over "dead". This seriously will work. I have never tried it but I promise, it'll go over like margarine on toast.

That being said, I have to admit that my first theory in everything is to play dead. Every time I see someone being attacked on TV or movies, I always think to myself "well, that unfortunate situation could have been avoided had she/he/it pretended to be dead after the first punch/shot/vampire attack". Even in real life, I often wonder why people don't play dead more often. I guess I'm a dyer, not a fighter.


As an extra note: This advice doesn't work if, for example, you're being attacked by a vulture. Or anything else that consumes the already dead. Then you're just asking for it.

You know you were born and raised in Southern CA when...

... anything frozen falling from the sky elicits a squeal and a quick jog out into it. Followed by a less happy squeal and quickly running back indoors.

It hailed yesterday. I am an adult. I am very aware that hail hurts. But it is so exciting to have frozen stuff falling on me, I pretty much reliably run out into it without thinking first. Even my crazy-ass dog won't run into the hail, as much as he loves rain and snow. He looks at me as though I've lost a leg and grown a third eyeball all at once and goes to lay down.

I admit to being a little bit goofy.

Things I've learned

I was in my bubble bath, thinking about things I've learned within the past year or more, and I thought... hmmm, I should tell the world about this. Good idea, no? And of course it must be in numbered list form, because that is the blogger way.

1. Everything is better with Frosty, Heidi and Frank. Absolutely the funniest people I've ever heard on the radio. They make my work day go so much faster and I listen to their archives every night before bed. No one can be in a bad mood with these guys talking in the background. My favorite hour so far involves Frosty admitting to stealing Frank's 80's love ballad back in the days, and then copywrighting it in his name and entering a Kentucky Fried Chicken contest. HA!

2. The American Gladiators is awesome no matter how many times it gets repeated. There is seriously nothing better than the treadmill at the end. I am a big fan of people falling on their faces.

3. Sleeping in the hospital isn't as bad as it seems. I have been terrified for 25 years to ever spend the night in the hospital. But I had the "privilege" to do it recently and it was not bad at all! The worst part was having to be unplugged just to go to the restroom... as soon as you are told you have to ask permission to pee, you automatically have to pee, so that was an issue.

4. People will take any opportunity to bash anyone who is too dead to talk back. I am saddened by all deaths, no matter the person, and I was amazed again as people began to insult Heath Ledger before he was even cold. I am far from a Hollywood or celebrity lover, it's not my thing, but come on people- get some class! He's dead.. isn't that enough of a smack down?

5. Getting your car stolen and totaled is worse than it seems. Ugh.

6. The Nintendo Wii is the freakin' best thing ever. I rock at hitting home runs and the tennis as well. A friend of mine coined the name "Wii-tard" and I wear that name proudly! I cannot wait to have tournaments with my crazy friends. (Sarah and Brad- it's on when we get together next!)

7. On that same thought, it's amazing how a video game nowadays can throw out your back. HA!

8. Finding a job after you move to a large city isn't as easy as it sounds. Geebus. I thought I'd be a millionaire by now! Unrealistic? Nooooo.

9. Your best friend having a baby really smacks you into reality. "Hello, you're an adult now. Welcome- you're gonna be here a while so you may as well make yourself comfortable." No more calling her last minute and going out to a bar, thats for sure!

10. Having a "partner" in all this really makes it all a lot more fun.

11. SNOW! I want SNOW! (okay I didn't learn that this year but I just want it so much...)

12. Feeding dogs raw meat is very beneficial and I will probably feed all of my future dogs meat. I never thought I'd say it but it's true. Murphy thrives on meat.

13. Since this is number 13- I used to believe in fate. "Everything happens for a reason". But 2007 was SO unlucky and so bad that I can't believe it anymore. I'm starting to believe: "There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt. "- Troy, "Reality Bites"

14. There's nothing better than friends and family... and love... and laughter.. and hugs. and Puppy kisses...

Not much to say...

I have this sick obsession with the show Intervention. For those who haven't seen it, it's about addicts, who, at the end of the documentary, are submitted to an intervention by their family and friends. One of the guys works at the Costco in San Clemente. I thought about saying, excuse me ex-drug addict, but could I have your autograph? Unless of course you have coke on your hands, then I'll pass. But seriously. That show rocks. (And I have no compassion, I know)
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I also have an obsession with Bloody Marys. How can you not be, seriously? It's like a meal and alcohol all in a glass, with a lot of salt on top. Could there be anything better?
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What else is on my mind? I haven't slept in 2 nights. I don't know why. I'm not so much wide awake thinking about anything, but I'm more in a trance sort of in and out of sleep, semi-concious but concious of the fact that I'm not sleeping.
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After getting my car stolen, I'm "sorta" in the market for a car, although I really can't see me buying something when I'm still searching for a real, full time career. I want a sort of small SUV/cross-over type thing. I really have always liked Honda Elements, but the thing is, they are so "trendy" now that they are not cheap anymore. Stupid trends. Now I'm thinking of getting a Saturn Vue. They are nice, get a good environmental rating, and are a good size for a big (or maybe 2 big.... *crosses her fingers*) dog. I also like the new Altimas, they are a good price, good size, nice looking. However, I can't see buying a new car, let alone a used one. Any thoughts?
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Josh and I went "olive oil tasting" today in Old Town. Basically it's wine tasting, but with olive oils, dipping sauces, and balsamic vinegars. There are a couple olive groves among the wineries here so it is a local thing. Anyway, it was neat! The one that was citrus infused made me cough and I felt like a moron, but I was REALLY into the white balsamic vinegar. Yum. They also make soups that are 45% olive oil. Nothin' better than a little olive on your skin, I always say. (okay I've never said that).
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I'm working for my dad now. Now that he got the new law firm, he works in the scariest neighborhood ever. Every other house is boarded up and I literally see 12 stray dogs every day, not to mention the homeless people and gangsters. You think I'm being facitious but I'll tell you, I'm not. There is a hotel down the street that apparently was abandoned at some point, so the "citizens" took over. Every window and door is broken through, there are matresses on porches and in the parking lots, graffiti... it looks like a war zone. *cringes*. He needs to move. Like, sooner rather than later.

Alright those are my random thoughts for the night. Not too exciting but what can I say.

If I'm quiet...

I was laying in bed reading, tonight, when I came across this line in my book. It made me think. I couldn't sleep, so I sketched about what the sentence made me feel... but that didn't see to help either. I keep thinking about what this proclaimation means to me, and my life:

"If I'm quiet, all will pass me by"

Sometimes I wonder if there is something to this theory. All of us know people who don't speak up, don't volunteer, don't stick their necks out and more often than not, that experience passes them by without a glace or a handshake.

I think I would be considered a pretty outspoken person with friends, loved ones, people I trust. I often feel there are correct times to be silent, to let things pass me by, but there are other times when I feel that my speaking out, talking, saying something positive, just being "unquiet" as it were, will make a difference in my life and legacy. If I sit idly by, and don't mention to Josh that I think the fact that he's slightly dancing while he cooks is adorable, that moment will go by and will have less meaning than it did before me sharing. If I see friends and don't explain to them how good it is for my soul to see them, the visit takes on less value. If I don't say "mom and dad I love you" while I have the chance, it's passed without a notice. If I'm quiet, it passes by.

There are times when I feel the opposite, that if I'm loud all will pass me by. These are the moments when you're in a beautiful mountain pass, all you can hear are leaves rustling, water dribbling, and yourself breathing. The times when you look up and realize a bald eagle is roosting above your canoe. Those are the times of serene silence, which cannot and will not be broken by simple human words which, in comparison to the grandness of the beauty around you, will be lost and insignificant. Or times of love, when your breath is sucked from your lungs and saying anything would ruin not only the silence but the feelings and the moment you're in.

My grandmother was constantly talking. Telling stories, sharing memories, sharing facts, weaving tales. About a picnic in a park when she was 8, about her and grandpa's first date, about the bullies, the first jobs, raising my mom and aunt, her crowded married home. I wonder, now, if she was trying to get it all in before she left us. If she was thinking... "If I'm quiet, no one will remember me. It will all pass by without notice". If she had faith that if she just kept talking, at some point someone would listen, and those stories would be a legacy to her family and the world. Luckily, someone did listen, and that person was me. She was not quiet, and thank god, none of that passed me by, because those stories have become the threads with which I weave my family history and thus, my own experiences.

I certainly do not want life, or my loved ones, to pass me by. Every moment is one I want to suck in, keep in my heart, remember forever as impossible as that is. The good and the bad- store it- keep it- and use it to create the person you are, and the person you will be. Use it to change someone elses being, for the better hopefully. I won't let it pass me by.

So last night...

I came home (to the parent's) after a night of shopping/dining with Sarah and Brad and Murphy has apparently been lying by the window all day. He misses Josh, who is home working, and he misses him, so when I leave he REALLY misses me...

So I get all happy with him! Hugs all around. "Okay buddy- now go potty!" Outside he goes. Now... my parents neighbors dogs are the devil. Murphy has been bitten before by them. So we keep Murphy behind a baby gate. Well, those dogs started to bark, Murphy freaked out, ran around, and ran inside. He proceeded to act very funny, and I was concerned that in his freaking out, he'd hurt himself. I started to notice spots on the carpet... blood? pee? drool?..... NO, POOP!

Those of you who aren't intimately involved with Murphy (well not in THAT way but you know), probably don't know that Murphy is terrified of poop. His own, and other's. Upon stepping in said enemy, he usually limps, cries, and acts dejected until we clean it. But, of course, this time I hadn't noticed the offending blob... So he was hiding and running and limping. I'm chasing trying to find out what's the problem. There are poop-prints in every room of the house.

Yeah. So after a night out, I came home and spent an hour cleaning poop in every room of the house, and then cleaning Murphy's feet, and then cleaning the bathtub cause of cleaning his feet. I LOVE THAT DOG.


Oh and a special shout out to my Joshua- I love you and I'm sorry you have to work this holiday. We all know that sucks reindeer hoof. So I'm sorry but I'll try to make your days off as christmasy as possible! Maybe you'll get a special christmas poop treat from your loving fur-son.

*dips her toes in*

Just checking out the waters. I'm new to this. My friend Sarah (she has a blog and I'm sure there's some way to link it but... ) told me to check it out and here I am!
I plan to use this as a place to talk about every day life and thoughts. I hope I can use it as much as I plan.
First a few intros into my spectacular life: I'm Dana, I'm 25. I recently quit my job, moved to a place I'd never been, rented a house, and had my car stolen. So needless to say I have a lot of time (and anger) on my hands and this seems like the place to be. I live with my wonderful boyfriend of 5 years, Josh- an IT guy for a major company, and my dog, Murphy, our son, a boxer/lab mix rescued in L.A. He's 3 now, and amazing, happy, sweet and loving.
So I guess I'll start off where I planned- talking about my day. But since I've had a pretty fun couple of days I'm going to do it all.
Sunday Josh and I (and Murph-dawg) drove to my hometown (about a 2 hour drive) to see a play with my family. A Christmas Carol- christmas classic. I swear I've seen this play 1oo million times but, no matter what, I get excited cause- you know- it's live, and someone could mess up or trip or something and that would be hilariously funny. But no really, I get excited cause it means CHRISTMAS! Ohhh my first love- Christmas. Well really my first love was a boy named Jesse but Christmas was much more cheerful and giving. So that was fun. We went out to dinner at Willy's BBQ afterwards which is where Josh ordered Brief Biscuit instead of Beef Briskit (HA!)
Monday Josh and I went to Lamppost. Now, for those of you who are not from Oak Park this probably isn't exciting but dude- SO GOOD. Pizza and salad. YUM. I felt like I was 15 all over again, minus the borrowing money from mom and the frozen yogurt aftewards (sad!). We then went to the mall because we were going to meet Raegan!
For those who don't know, my best friend Brittany recently gave birth to her first daughter, Rae(gan). Rae is three weeks old and we got to see her take her first picture with Santa. It was so sweet. She is SO tiny and all wrinkles and pinkness and sweetness in 8 pounds. We ended up back at Brit's place playing with her pups and Rae and just catching up. She is a great person and will be a great mom and I'm happy to have them in my life.
That night we went to Brad and Sarah's place to meet to go out to dinner. It was so great seeing them. I've known them forever but it seems like we always have something to discuss or laugh about and thats nice. They made me an AWESOME set of 4 discs filled with awesome music (they're music lovers) and I am so excited to have something like a car to play them in. Brad and Sarah took us to dinner at Maggiano's, it was very nice, and then to get gelado in the mall! WOW Gelado is good. They then introduced us to the wonders of the Office- hilarious! We both are going to watch it now. Their cat, Sophie, is adorable and playful and I want her. Hopefully I'll get to see more of them all this week.
Yesterday was blah. Josh owed me a Bean Scene for betting that Madonna sang "When I think about you I Touch Myself", but then he had to go back home. I dont like being without him for so long right before Christmas but such is life. I baked a million cookies (I'm trying to make myself useful while taking up space in my parents home) and went grocery shopping with mom. I love spending time with my family... due to recent events I worry about how short our time together really is.. so I actually enjoyed such a mundane activity. Plus, I rarely leave the house (no car, no money.. we've been over this) so anything is fun! I'm like a crazy person let out of their padded cell! WOOO HOOOOOOOO! OH LOOK! A CLOUD! A DAISY! now I'm tired.
Anyway...
Today, after no sleep, I was feeling pretty tired. I baked some more. Went to Britt's and sat there. Rae spit up down into my cleavage so I'm feeling as if she has welcomed me into her new little life. It's like she gave me a slobber and puke soaked invite into her world. How sweet.
Tomorrow I have no plans. Hit me up. Lets do nothing together. I'm good at that!